"If you can't say fuck, you can't say fuck the government."
-- Lenny Bruce

I've had quite the few unique experiences over the past few days. I'll have to recollect the most significant one first.

There's nothing quite like standing naked out on a dock overlooking the frigid water that until so recently saturated one's body with coldness, while the midnight sky looms above, tinted a faint purple by the electrical lumination of a distant city. With snow falling all around, snowflakes collect in one's hair and pubic hair, the the faint sea breeze holds as a reminder of subzero exterior temperature, so long suppressed by one's own inner heat, originating from within the dark sweaty sauna.

It's better then sex. Well, I can't really claim that since I haven't been there and all, but I bet it is...I bet it is.

well, its 3pm, and it's dark out. fuck.

I feel really bad because I haven't truely been able to dwell on my last post, but perhaps thats how she wants it. I am very busy and I can't do much now before I go to sweden, but I swear to myself that I will see her early in january.

I'm crazy busy, just holding out for the winter break, where I can sweep my troubles away with booze and women. :-P

I can't wait to read People's History. I can't wait to re-design teenvoice.com. I can't wait to blog my fucking guts out. I'm gonna blog regularly from sweden, I promise. Maybe even code a few new elements, like a links section. That'll be the day. I need to put up my current study into censorship somewhere on this site, but I fear that the projects section has been misguided. O well. I need to dwell on many a good word with T.R. Martinicus.

peace out.

Ouch.

My second mom has breast cancer.
. . .
its just so....devastating.

She's the mom to probobly my oldest and best friend. And just like that, I find out. I'm trying to throw emotion into this, but I have none left to throw. I'm a painful void of fearsome wonder. I... I was going home on the bus, and this kid was on my bus who adds about 45 minutes to my ride, so I decided to get off the bus early and walk a hike...

As I got off the bus, i'm right by my old friends house, who I haven't seen in a while, and I see his mom pull into the driveway, and I do the sensible thing in greeting her. I ask if I can go inside and call my dad to have him pick me up, and surely she invites me in. Once the door opens, the phone rings and she runs off to answer it. The following 15 minutes I was sitting at her dinner table as she was on the phone just staring atthe cover of this one book. The women's guide to breast cancer.


fuck. I didn't even know. She was keeping it quiet. I felt so bad... now this is a woman whose been delt her fair share of bad hands, and she is truely a remarkable woman, having mothered 3 boy scouts, being the troop leader, and she's a teacher of the deaf. A remarkable giver. And now she's having so much taken from her. Why god why? god.

Those 10 minutes of sitting there looking at that book were some of the worst minutes of my life. I was gonna cry, but I didn't know for sure yet, because she was on the phone and all, and I didn't want to draw conclusions, but it was obvious, obviously painful, painfully obvious. She looked very worried, but she claimed to have a good shot at it, so I guess all i can do is hope for the best and be there for her. This lady has been like a second mom to me through my youth. WHY?

And so my friend is taking it OK, I guess. I just talked to him from 9:30 to 11:30. I haven't talked to him in soo long, it was a catch up. During the whole conversation I just wanted to say I'm here for you, but I couldn't get it out. I'll talk to him after break, see him, see her, say it. i would take a bullet for that either of them, honestly from the good of my heart I can say that.

It's so painful. It's so unexpected. I have so much else to talk about, like skiing and having sold my computer for 925$, and it's all so egotistical. It's peanuts compared to the blog which my second mommy could write. Wow. I honestly wouldn't be able to handle it. I would cry my way through it. She has undoubtably left an eternal indentation on my life, so in my mother's definition of life, she'll always live on with me, and with so many others. Let me just hope that she makes it throgh this, and may she find joy wherever she may be, soon. Please...soon.

(i close my eyes)

5 days...5 days... I have so much to say, but I have even more to do. Imediately, I need to finish rigging my computer that I'm shipping tomorrow, and then start the wash before I go to bed....

eh... I miss you mom.

I don't know why I put lagwagon as my current music. They're damn hot thou, and I've been tearing it up with them recently, so what the hey...current is done.

haha... that's a contradiction. something meant to be kept current is never done.....heh ... ehhhh.

I had some observations today... trying to remember some of them...besides the one that i drew from the pages of People's History...We had my brother's friend over for dinner... she is certainly an interesting person to debate with. She's republican.. ;p

Well the interesting debacle arose surrounding the Death Penalty... To step aside for a second my conclusive inquiry was that I wonder what the Catholic Church thinks of war? That's killing. But 'thou shalt not kill'? The whole crusades thing doesn't fit into the picture very well..

hmm...interjected explanation from Jay..good ol' Jay.

-jay, your christian, what's the church's views of war?
--bad, we regret the spanish inquisition
-what about the crusades?
--in the past...god was vengeful
--now...god is forgiving
--a forgiving god does not wish pain upon others
--a vengeful god wishes pain upon pagans
--the church is pro-life and anti-death penalty

right. that idea got shot to hell.

My idea was, how can a country of cristians vote for the death penalty?!

Well apparently, the seperation of church and state has gone further than I thought, wooh! (?) further in the wrong way, getting more conservative....damnit.

Well the bad news is that I've been spending way too much time on updating the functionality of the site rather then the content.

The good news is that now there's almost nothing to do to the page. Just some glitch fixing. After that I have to start making up sections to procrastinate posting. Future sections are photos, links, and current. Current would be a popup that said the book I'm currently reading, the last movie i saw, the last show I saw, the last song i listened...no...downloaded. Something like that. Done good. And an about me page. maybe, just maybe. That's a whole lot of procrastination.

So ya, that anecdote on why memories aren't a sure fire thing that can never be taken away from you...

I was with Jay, on a half day, on what turned out to be a really chill day, we biked over to some supermarket/blockbuster to rent 'better off dead', and i hadn't had lunch, so I bought a whole chicken and we climbed up on the roof and ate the chicken there and threw the bones and people below...ANYWAY. When we where getting the bikes out of the shed to go, I thought of something...

So lets say they think of way to take away your momories. Wipe it clean. Strip you of your humanity. At the same time, you wouldn't know that they wiped you clean, since they wiped you clean, so you'll never remember being 'de-humanized' and being stripped of your mental capacity. Painless, really, and a catch22 to boot. Nonetheless, you'd be a mindless zombie.

Final Sumation? Since there are much worse things to worry about when you lose your memory, and that's not the real problem, building up experiences is still the best thing to do with your buck. Rock on.

Soo.. I just got back from a River City High/Midtown/New Found Glory show.. lots of reflections to share.

Well..it was new found glory...they're...well...not my style. They're a pop-punk teeny-boper band. I went crazy jumpin in the crowd and nailed a bunch of them damn teeny-bopers in the head. This one really fat like 16 year old girl who thought she was something crowd surfed like 3 times and one time she busted up on my head, and I turned around, grabbed her by her love-handles (and boy where they handles), and tossed her. I felt better about myself. I just wanted to scream "get the fuck out of my scene."

And there where soooo many 'that guy's. Don't be that guy. That guy is someone who wears a bands shirt or sweater to a show where that band is playing. Don't be that guy. Soo many. Clueless, all NFG fans. Sad, really..made me sad.

I guess it was all New Found's fault, they brought that crowd. Sure, the midtown crowd was a little teeny-bopin, but a lot of 'em where wearing NFG shit (see above paragraph).

Final Summation? Don't go to NFG shows. From now on I'm only going to mad rockable punk/ska shows or mad emo emo shows, to rock out or to chill, respectively. Like the Thursday show at the garage, that was not punk but still hot. I really wanna see bigwig. and nofx. Its my goal in life to see nofx live.

I'll tell the anecdote next time...personal reminder...it was with jay when we where getting the bikes out of the shed.

Buy my old computer:

eBay item 1201396192 (Ends Dec-15-00 17:29:58 PST) - Apple Power Mac G3 Blue & White 300MHz LOADED

I was gonna put up a post about the anecdote that i talk about in the newly finished projects section, but I'm way tired. I've spent a whole lot of time planning to sell my computer, and now it will finally happen..or?

http://athena.af.lu.se/~ju/g3/

It will sell. I need to propogate on newsgroups. very important.

But I need sleep. Damn body. I hate you.

I added mad hot background looking type deals. werd.

I feel bad because all the updates I've been doing have been fillers, and I haven't been putting up content, thoughts, that is.

If you've ever loved, hated, or heard of D&D, you have to check out this link
http://www.techtv.com/gamespottv/videofeatures/story/0,3776,3013475,00.html.

Watch the video. true humor. props to sexy josh on the link.

Now, if you where a history essay, what would you be? work work work.. gotta gotta gotta GO!

the page is sooo much hotter now. and it actually looks good in IE. woo.

What's left, dev wise? Just gotta add that damn projects page I promised myself I'd make... It'll be a page about what I'm up to.

what keeps me up.
nutt's doings.

After thats all done, i can proudly call it all a version 1.0. woo.

Then I'll add a links section. Then I'll add a static content section..or? no? yes?

i just read somewhere the weblogs are tendy. I'm a trendy ass fuck.

Fuck you.

SLC Punk quote for today, I'll put the other one up tomorow, cus I'm lazy.

"you like like your wearing a uniform, you look like a punk. that's not rebellion, that's fashion." "then what's rebellion?" Rebellion happens in the mind, you can't create it, you just are that way..."

woa.

The reason I have that one typed up is because of a revelation I had last night talking to jay. To be an ignorant radical is worse then to be an ignorant conservative, because then you only have one side of the story AND you're trying to change things.

Case in point... Exclusive WBAI Clinton Interview

This is a gem. A Nader-esque talk show host has President Clinton on the line, and keeps him there for 27 minutes, bashing him relentlessly, respectlessly, in a combatant manner. She was being an ignorant liberal. President Clinton slammed her on every point and then she would move on. I wanted to tear her fucking neck off.

I guess you have to listen to understand

DON'T BE THAT GUY.

note to self, the other slc punk quote is in the 'anarchy in the uk' scene.

The eye fizzled with bubbles and steam,
While the Cyclops let out a terrible scream.
His eye was useless and singed at that,
His pain was evident even from where we sat.
Gasping and wailing and whirling about,
He finally managed to get the spike out.
He threw it away and howled his worst,
Begging for help in a terrible burst.
He called for his fellow Cyclops to come to his aid,
To see the horrible fee which he had now paid.
He had lost his eye and it was all my fault,
But the name ‘noh’bdy’ brought his aids to a halt.
You see my clever words and ways,
Where planned out over the three past days.
The name noh’bdy when sung out in screams,
Appears as a nobody, a figure of dreams.

And now without his beloved companions and sight,
Polyphemus could not possibly contest a fight.
But loudly he spoke of our soon doomed fate,
We would starve to death at a slow, slow rate.
Quickly I pondered and resolved a plan,
Under three bound sheep we could hide each man.
Tied together with cords from his bed,
We could all escape from the Cyclops, I said.
For myself, it was the finest ram I chose,
And then dawn spread out her finger tips of rose.
The herd, they moved outwards to graze,
And our plan was entering its final phase.

At the entrance he sat and surveyed,
As best he could to detect our parade.
My men rode out hidden from the cyclops’ stroke,
And through his defense we covertly broke.
And once escaped, I tore free of my ropes,
And gathered my men, to raise their hopes.
I ordered the men to load the herd and move fast,
Before we where discovered we had to raise mast.

"Tyranny is Tyranny let it come from whom it may".

These were the words spoken by the drafted poor of Boston, immediately preceeding the revolutionary war. The irony was that the poor where required to sign up for the draft, while the rich could buy a replacement, avoiding the draft. It was this seperation of classes which molded the electorial college, a system built to protect the true interests of a select few, giving them the ultimate authority on voting. And tyranny? The Delcaraton of Independace so elequently states

"Governments are instituted amoung Men, deriving their just power from the consent of the governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institure new Government."

Tyranny is Tyranny. Chapter 4 of the People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn

How I spent my summer vacation, an essay by Johan Ugander.

Soon to follow. :-p