I haven't posted in a while... the SATs in a combination with red china blues...woops.

.Good Book.
Through the reading of the book, I chose to dog-ear the pages containing quotes that rattle my brain. As a result, an unmanageable amount of pages found themselves folded down. This seems to be testament to the involving description that Jan Wong’s peerless perspectives offered on events otherwise appearing only in a bulleted list amidst 600 pages of "World History" on a classroom shelf. It seems to further back up the universal principle that large concepts are best grasped by details which can involve the grasper, rather then the large concept itself, which tends to be exclusive by it’s sheer size. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams does a thorough job of elaborating on this logic.

Infinity itself looks flat and uninteresting. Looking up into the nigh sky is looking into infinity—distance is incomprehensible and therefore meaningless. The chamber into which the aircar emerged was anything but infinite, it was just very very very big, so big that it gave the impression of infinity far better than infinity itself.

The wall appeared perfectly flat. It would take the finest laser-measuring equipment to detect that as it climbed, apparently to infinity, as it dropped dizzily away, as it planned out to either side, it also curved. It met itself again three million miles across and flooded with unimaginable light.

"This," said Slartisbartfast, "is the factory floor where we make most of our planets, you see."
(Adams 160-161)

In learning about China, so much of the society is so distant from suburban New Jersey, that one might as well be trying to rationalize infinity. As words such as "The Long March" and "Cultural Revolution" fly through a classroom, they are dull. But after a sweeping account of just one person’s experience through the whole, the words are allowed to grow to so much more than their letters they are composed of. They become the 400 page wavering tale of Jan Wong, complete with its cultural bridges to western measures that help rationalize the far-reaching emotions of a revolution which was waged amongst the world’s largest populous.
.Good Book.

The SATs were agrivating as hell. I just hope for the life of me that the fourth section is the toss-out eval section and NOT the first second one. They were both identical verbal sections, and the fourth section was sooo hard.... crap. The math was easy.. i just might...just might, have aced it. We'll see. I'm pretty confident thou. The verbal was pretty shitty. BLAH. I have no clue whatsoever as to what I got on verbal. Oh well. No use wasting away over them. They ussually post which section was the toss-out section on collegeboard.com. I'll know soon enough...

This is scary. Like really scary. I took a look at the journals at Teen.com, which i reached through bored.com. MY GOD THIS IS FUCKED UP...exerpts:

"I AM A CHRISTIAN. I AM HOLDING A BIBLE AND I AM A CHRISTIAN. That is our "assignment" this week for youth group. I haven’t gone in months and already I feel accepted right back in."

"Well I havent written in a long time..sorry! I was in Denver this weekend for this AWESOME thing for my church it was GREAT! The band Rocked and I fell in love with the lead guitarist!"

"I am writing this journal because I realize that there are probably many other students out there who, like me, are afraid that their school could become the next location of another tragic..."

All the other ones were about guy trouble. PISS FUCK. The church comments just blew me away, and the one about the school shootings (If you can't guess which one I'm refering to, please leave now.) is scary. I don't know what to think. A while back there were those email lists going around where teens were expressing their (christian) blessings to the victims of columbine. It's scary how many teens are devote christians.

OK, I should stop using the word scary, because a) i'm proboly offending people, and b) it's not the right word. It's... weird? Religion has a crazy power in society. CRAZY power. A unifying force that is equally unifying and excluding. In middle school all the jewish kids hung out at temple and the christian kids made friends at CCD. In retrospect, I had swedish school, but that was with kids not from my school. But ya, religion is a crazy thing. It's immense influence can almost be used as a testimonial to it's truth.... Well that's what the christians try to say. If Jesus wasn't the son of god, then how has his preachings been able to influence so many people? Marketing.. it's all in the marketing.

This, like many things, has a macrocosmic example in society. The Oscars are one. They are not the forefront of cinematic art. Gladiator sucked in that sense. It bough those awards with it's umpteen billion dollar budget, at which point it is no longer art, but achievement. Cinematic art can be seen at film schools and idie festivals, that's about it. Ingmar Bergman never won an oscar (at least I don't think so), but is considered one of the best directors ever. He is the type of person that wins the 'lifetime achievement award', designated for those who were leading a cinematic revolution in the backyard while Hollywood was busy honoring another 'love triangle movie'. The real, quality art, can be found far distant from the big shot glamour whores. And that, my friends, is also the idea of punk rock. Biggest is not necessarily best. In fact rarely. Biggest is the result of promotion. And art, like faith, can not be promoted, or else it is not truely given the chance to be accepted by the people who are shown it. Art and faith need to be admired or accepted for what they are.

Wow, all that from a bored.com visit. I should go more often. I love philosophy. Figuring stuff like this out and putting it in words is such a pleasing experience. Now, I really must read Red China Blues.

this t-shirt is the hottest thing ever. Gotta respect the G7...

So ya, I should get a digital camera any time now. . . I REALLY want one. REALLY. I have to get it soon so I can take pictures of people like mark ramirez so I don't forget them. He's hot.

An email I sent out tonight before going to sleep...about something that really bothered me.

------------------------------------------------------
Subject: The Admissions FAQ, Parents, and Academy Life


*** WARNING... the following might be interesting,
*** provoke thought, or change your attitude on life.
*** You have been warned.

I was bored and going through the school website when I came to the Admissions FAQ. As a student who prides himself on that fact that *I* applied, and not my parents, I am appalled that the FAQ is written to answer parents inquiries, and not those of the students. When I applied I recalled horror stories of students whose parents were forcing them into the school, and those are not the kind of students that the academies need. The academy is a school where the individual needs to be the one applying, not the parent, because it is an individual commitment more than anything. The FAQ should be geared towards the students applying, they are the ones that need to be lured.

If a parent is the driving force the student will not work to better their self, rather to please parents, which is most commonly accomplished through grades. It is very important that the academy not be a magnet for such individuals, because grades should never be the central focus of an academy education. I silently sigh when I see the hallways lines with students burying their noses in binders filled with test notes, knowing that somewhere the system has failed, and students have come to prioritize test scores. Because that's what college's care about. One quote that has stuck with my though my academy years is the one that was posted on the inside of Mr. Panicucci's door when his office was across from the 219 office when I was a freshman.

Tell me and I'll forget.
Teach me and I'll remember.
Involve me and I'll understand.

I pride myself on doing excellent in some courses without taking down any notes while others struggle through while filling their second spiral notebook. Why? Because I am an active participant in class discussions, and I ask that extra question that gets my thoughts flowing... involving me. I lost my history notebook the first week of school. I do recognize there are subject that require a notebook, and this is not an attempt to call anarchy upon the note taking populous, I'm just trying to make a statement that sometimes it is more important to sit back and listen to your teacher in stead of transcribing his words to notebook paper. LISTEN. They're there to do more than just talk, otherwise they would have been replace by ten dollar tape players from radio shack a long time ago. ASK QUESTIONS. Learning is an interactive process. Perhaps this applies more to history courses and philosophical studies, and less to the sciences and math, but it is something that needs to be considered universally. INTERACT.

Some might be saying that I'm simply reciting propaganda, but those who know me should know that I'm the first to question, and my words are my own. I am genuinely grateful for the opportunity I am being offered, and I felt a need to make my voice heard in a small attempt to correct some the skewed lifestyles that are emerging in the academy populous. I think everyone in the school needs to read the writings on the wall in the upper breezeway. It's ironic that test scores decide entrance to a school that was founded to defy them. It is very similar to the confrontation between Jiang Quing and Deng Xiaoping during the Chinese Power Struggle of the 1970's. "When Deng Xiaoping took power, one of the first things he did was reinstate university entrance exams. A former Red Guard toiling in the countryside promptly derailed those plans. Zhang Tieshang showed up late for the test and scrawled across the top: |Life is too hard in the countryside -- I had no time to prepare for the exams." Defiantly, he handed in a blank paper. Jiany Quing, Deng's fiercest rival, dubbed Zhang a hero. The newly revived exam system bit the dust." (Red China Blues, Jan Wang, page 118) A little history lesson for us all.

Focus on life.
/johan ugander

The admissions FAQ page is located at:
http://www.bergen.org/Admissions/afaq.html

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for all my life, the majority of my chocolate chip cookie eating has been of Chips Ahoy Chocolate Lovers, or Chips Ahoy Chewy, or the Keebler Elves cookies with the rainbow colored m&m's, but today, for the first time in a long time, I am enjoying the original Chips Ahoy, in the Blue packaging, that actually says 'a thousand chips in every bag', and daaaaamn are they good. Mmmmmm...

For me, all weekend has been spent either reading red china blues, which is entertaining i supose, practicing lacrosse, which i'm getting pretty swift at defense at, or taking an SAT practice test.

Like, i said, lacrosse = good, reading = good, SATs = dumb invention.

Since my target right now is sweden, SATs don't really matter, and I'm just taking them to have them taken, if you will. But I wanted to see where I stand before the test next weekend. 660 verbal, 730 math. OK, 660. Best I've gotten out of three. w00t. I know I suck at verbal, and it doesn't bother me. My target on verbal is over 650. Happy me. On math, i don't know what the fuck happened. Somehow I managed to get 3 problems wrong in a weird and twisted way. By weird and twisted way I mean that if I had gotten one of them right (one of which was a rediculous error that i only got wrong because i was being lazy and zooming through.. i ended that section a minute early.. ANYWAY), would have given me 40 pts back. One question was the difference between 730 and 770. This sucks, because when I take the math SATs, I'm basically going for the 1 question that's going to stump me, going and going till I hit that brick wall that's going to keep me from getting an 800. I consider myself fully capable of getting 800s, but I've never gotten one (best = 780), because I always make stupid stupid mistakes. Whatever...in a week it'll be over with, and hopefully I'll get over a 1400, over 1450 If I'm lucky. That would require either an 800 math or an improved verbal.

I'm pissy right now. I'm going to find out if there's any other homework, and if not I'm going to retire to my bed and read red china blues. I'll need to take another test on tuesday (a half day) or something to see where I stand better. . .the thing that pisses me off is that I'm killing myself over it and it doesn't even matter. Besides, I've got other things to ride on..like...my... sceince fair success... that's about it. My GPA is pretty good, but not korean by any measures. Year by year, they're about 3.43, 3.65, 3.85. Improvement is good....BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SWEDEN. Well saying that makes it sound like I can get into sweden any way I cut it...which I can, but not because it's a bad school...it's because my dad and mom and brother and both of my dad's brothers went there. Conexxxions. Well that, and I am convinced academy propoganda will be able of convincing them that the academy is super-duper amazing.

I'm going to go read now. werd.

GOOD GOD. Taco Bell just earned my respect. Talk about balls. WOW. Check the mir item. We'll know soon enough what the deal is.. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE....but if that isn't funny enought, I stumbled upon their jobs page.

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I'm an asshole. I'm gonna go read red china blues...

i have an extensive reading list that I'm going to be going through...

red china blues - jan wong
for school, but pretty cool. on page 40.

slaughterhouse five - kurt vonnegut
i read the part about the bombs being sent back to the factory and felt i had to read it. Plus, Cats Cradle was wack n good.

Hitchhickers Guide To the Galaxy, the second one - Douglas Adams
Because the first one was so fucking funny. It's a one day read anyway.

On Liberty - John Stuart Mill
Get your own fucking opinion, damnit.

Communist Manifesto - Karl Marx and that Engles guy
Because it would be interesting damnit

Wealth of Nations - Adams
To compliment the last one.

Civil Disobediance - Thoreau
I think this was an assignment freshman year, but i didn't read it. Anyway, I wanna read some civil liberties stuff.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair
Been recommded by both my bro and by Etay.

People's History of the US
I should finish it sometime. Got to page 200 something. Its a really good read, but its not something I can read at night. I requires a long attention span. I'm workin on it.

Cryptonomicon
Because Eli recommended it, and the code book was really good. really good.

Lord of the Rings
I'd really love to reread them before the movie comes out. Plus the accompaning book simourillion, or whatever its called, its on my night stand.

Yea, that's a lot of books. I never used to read that much, because school killed it for me, but now I'm all hardcore and want to read a lot and stuff. I'm workin on it. I plan to get through a lot of these during the summer when I take my vacation from society. I can't wait. I'll sprinkle the other hitchhikers enstalments between the heavy books for entertainment purposes... that's what they're good for. And I might throw Cryptonomicon up there between the heavy ones as a reflief.

And I'm gonna be a fuckin' research scientist? i wanna do it all... philosophy is soo fucking cool. I had this debate with myself a long time ago...

sunday night... i had a dream, that I went to disney land.... no. that was monday night. ataris-san dimas. rock. more on that later...now, sunday night..

On the weekends I often talk to my brother is sweden, about whatever, about everything, about nothing. Recently we've been discusing my whole science fair thing. I just recieved a package he sent me in the mail, addressed to "Research Scientist Johan Ugander" from the Department of Clinical Physiology at the Lund University Hospital...that made me feel good about myself. =-p . . . anyway, yea, so we were talking about that, and we were talking about me building a computer for him that would be connected to his stereo for playing mp3s, that he could control over a network from his laptop, or some junk like that. A cool project. We were talking prices and parts about that, and then the conversation shifted into the 'johan's future' topic, something that has been giving me a lot of headache recently. grumble grumble.

First I talked to him about my whole plan to get an internship at Bell Labs (still the phatest plan ever)... and that's where I got to thinking... If, at 17 years age, I can get an internship at Bell Labs, holder of 6 nobel prizes, shouldn't that mean that I should basically have a free reign to study wherever I want in the world? OK, I'm a cocky ass bitch, but yea, that's basically what I was talking to myself about. It all came down to the arguement that if I can have the whole world, why Lund? Why Sweden? Why not Berkeley, MIT, CalTech, Stanford, blah blah? Well I've been telling myself It's the money, which my dad's miser-ific ways don't justify. Why pay when you can get it for free? Indeed. My dad's like that. But my brother made me see an aspect to the whole thing that I've been neglecting, and that's the social networking aspect. If I prioritized that, Berkeley would be where it's at, no question. But I kept saying...what a waste of money. My brother was so serious about it being worth it that he said he'd front the cash. woa. So that tossed me right into the Berkeley, Sweden, Berkeley, Sweden debate i was having with myself a few months ago. I became all uncertain again. And it's not like it's chocolate or vanilla we're talking about here... It's life in europe or life in america. It's ... a biggie. I was getting all bothered over it again. And then my head really started spinning....

We turned to the variation of the topic of my future known as this summer. And now with my future destination uncertain, i was no longer locked into my decision of touring the US, which I had decided because i would be spending college in sweden. And to make it worse, my bro was insisting upon going with him. I mean, ya sure, he'd be able to drive me. That problem solved, but the more things stress me, the bigger the need I have of just getting out and away by myself. FUCK.

At this point I was massively confused about everything. All those things I thought I had put on the shelf came back and gang-banged me. So I put my brother on the phone with my dad and went to discuss things with my mom. That's when things got ugly....

Since my brother and dad were discusing the whole 'maybe college in america isn't that bad after all' thing, economics included, I didn't feel like discussing that. And so my mom asked me about what I was doing this summer, demanding a final plan sorta, since she needs to order tickets to sweden. I told her that I didn't know. I told her that the only thing I could say for certain that I needed to travel. I needed to get out. I needed to be by myself. She pulled the ol' "you don't NEED anything."

She really doesn't understand the stress out life I deal with. I need to get out I need to get away. I guess this was when I started getting upset. So then she continued with the you don't need anything thing, and continued to agrivate me. Meanwhile I hear my dad discussing my college fate in the other room. So I try to tell my mom how badly I am in need of running away. . . without my brother. I told her how I need to sit at a train station for 2 days reading a

book. I told her how I need to walk from san jose to san francisco, even if it takes a few days. I need to occupy myself so I have time to reflect on a shitload of things. But basically as soon as I mentioned the reading a book example, she replied with "you can read a book at home, you don't need to travel." At this point was getting really agrivated. I blew up on her about anarchy and blah.. how I need to get out and have no responsibility for a few weeks, run away, and come home when I feel that it's time. Not set an end to it all. Play the whole summer by ear. Then she blew up on me about how there are people who can't afford to travel. Boy did I slam her on that arguement. What was she talking about? The form of vacation I'm talking about is minimal living costs. It really isn't an econmic burden more then that I wouldn't be making money. But I really think it will make me that much of a better person. She wouldn't hear it. The arguement was getting heated. My dad was still talking about my life with my brother. My mom didn't understand my needs. I started to tear.

I felt like implodining. I was shaking, For a longer moment, I didn't know where I stood on anything. My mom was asking me if I was ok, if I was sick. She was aiming at physcological disorder...Yea I'm sick. Sick and Tired of my so called life.

And so I ran up to my room, where I fell asleep for 3 and a half hours. I woke up and it was Jordan saying that I did NOT have a ticket to the lagwagon show. Everything was turning up SUCK. So I got up and around. I went downstairs. I at dinner. I started talking with my mom and dad.I couldn't describe what had happened. It had been so weird. I wasn't in control. We discussed college. Every time I talk to my mom and dad, Sweden once again looks like the settled choice. But we decided that I might as well apply to some US colleges. As not to limit my choices. And so again I felt stressed. Somehow I believed that if I didn't apply, then I didn't have to consider them. I recognized it as a dumb plan. I felt strressed. But my mom said that I didn't have to deal with that until a year from now. This is just one of those things I want to have planned out ya know... my life. But I agreed. So we'll see. I'm leaning very sweden college, US masters right now. Its sounding stable and sane again.

But that still leaves my summer as a toss up that can't be decided by where I go to college. As of this moment, I want to cross the US, and then go to Sweden/Europe and roam around there a while. Maybe not even Europe, just sweden. See my two mother countries. That way I can see both, and it gives me something to do all summer, seeing as one of my worries has been not having something to do all summer. Now I just gotta think out the financing. Honestly, I don't know if this will still be a good idea tomorrow.

I guess I just have to learn to accept that life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. But with chocolates, I always look at the cheat sheets and select the ones that have nuts in them and are crunchy. I wish there was a cheat sheet for life so I could select the nuttiest path. [sigh]

lagwagon + vandals = johan is the happiest man alive.
good fuckin' show.

and now i sleeeep......

In the past 3 and half years, I have cried on two occassions. I don't cry from pain. I can focus my energy away from a physical injury. The only times I've cried has been from a mental breakdown. This has happened, like I said, two times in my high school years. It happens when I get real stressed out.

The first time was when I was blowing up about not wanting to take swedish classes because they were sucking the life of me. This was about a year ago. I had signed up for a swedish-over-the-internet class so I could get a diploma in swedish so I could apply to a swedish college in january of sophmore year. In may, I had completed 2 weeks of the course syllabus. I just didn't have to time nor energy to do it. So I flipped out, and started crying deliriously. I'm not going to lie about these things. i was not myself. I was stressed out like crazy and didn't know how to handle the situation.That's why I go all emo like that; I can't handle it, and realize I need help, something that I can blatantly admit that I hate getting because I like to believe that I can manage life on my own. So anyways, that was the first time i really spazzed out and started crying.

The other of those times was tonight. More on that later.

Check out this punknews.org article.

Wetlands... Monday April 9th... Midtown, Thursday, River City High, Hot Rod Circuit... MTV?!?!

Call me an emo flamer all you want, but i think midtown is really good. If I said no and lied about it, i'd be a poseur. So be happy I'm telling the truth. =-p. And THURSDAY does NOT deserve to have their music tossed onto MTV like that. They're music is way to complex, they've been through so much shit. I saw them in a fuckin' garage, and now they're gonna be broadcast on MTV? WTF? I'm getting protective of my scene. No, I'm not saying it's mine, I'm saying the scene that I am a part of, shmuck.

OK, maybe I shouldn't be so pissed. Drive-Thru Records OK'ed the event. And if the bands want publicity, then go ahead. Just don't stop making amazing music.

Now I really wanna go to that show, and wear a T-shirt that says 'i hate mtv'. that would be hot. I'd 'fuck you' the camera man every chance i got. Damn fascists, trying to control societies tastes. But is it really their fault? Or is it societies fault? For being so fucking dumb...

That's why communism doesn't work on a large scale, there are too many dumb . . . too many people who have different values. Some need to fit in (a la MTV), some don't see the math that makes social government work, and don't contribute (communism). OK, it's a weak connection, but it's there.

Summation:
Society is too diverse for anything widescale.

Now, to bring that statement into a wholey different game of thought, authority needs to lie at the individual level. anarachy baby. I need to elaborate on my confused state of anarchistic thought. But now I'm off to kev's house.looking forward to it.

I'm gonna make like a banana and split.

Damn blogger... i wrote his last night, but had to run and didn't get it posted. here it is.

Oi!
I was at Hot Topic yesterday picking up the new Fat Wreck Chords compilation, which is REALLY good, and I took a listen to the Dropkick Murphys. They are REALLY good. They have so much enery in their music. I always throught they were some kind of scream-core hardcore with big fat guys pirate dancing. I don't know where I got that from, maybe it's cus o'conner listens to 'em. hahaha. I'm a predjudice bastard. But seriously, I'm not Irish, but they're REALLY good. like, really good. Getting back to the Fat Comp, which is also high quality, I need to find me some Zero Down.. they plan track one on the comp, and it's unreal.

I've been listening to emo for the past few months and haven't really payed attention to punk that much. Well I'm back with a vengance. I guess all the energy built up inside me. I really need to get out to a show and rock out.

So, I'm sitting here in "580 Engineering Careers", a class I didn't even sing up for, but was thrown it to, and I am planning on dropping. It is the biggest load of horseshit ever. And not the mention my commentary on Mr. Yee...

Course Topics:
- Why study Engineering?
What the fuck? I want to study engineering because it's what I like to do. Back off, asshole.
- Employment statistics and outlooks
Oh, so we should plan our career based on possible cash flow, eh? Is that how you want it? Capitalist bastard.

There are other topics, but they all piss me off. The first hand out we got was a list of salaries for different carrers where engineers have crazy-like-woa salaries in comparison to the other professions, up towards 50k compared to like 28k for a journalist. They're trying to get you to go for engineering for the doe. fuck that. That is sooo off-pissing, that such a class can exist... He's rambling right now about how I can slut it up in this class with my science fair entry. dork. I severly dislike that man (mr. yee). The fun thing is, I've already made such salaries. When I was in sweden, if my mind serves me correct, my salary converted to a USD/per anum of 50k. And I'm only 16!!! Trust me, if I want, I can pull in the mulah, that's NOT going to decide my profession. Fuck capitalism.

Current Game Plan: Go to Sweden. Study Engineering Physics for 4 years. Earn Swedish Masters. Do graduate work at Berkeley or CalTech. Earn US Masters. PhD? who knows. Somewhere down the line from there I plan on working at Bell Labs. w00t.

I've gotten criticism because Researchers earn so little money... FUCK YOU. OK, by little money, they mean even at the highest levels its never above 200k. I know its not where the ludicrous money is at, but it's what i enjoy, and if its in the 6 digits, I'm certainly not complaining.

Time for french, where my teacher isn't in, and we're watching a video. SCORE.

This journal has a few purposes...
a) let me vent
b) let other people into my life, that might be hard to understand, and is something i don't mind.
c) it's something i'll have 20 years down the road to read and recall who (god forbid) kev was.

In world lit, we're reading canterberry tales, and the teacher made a weird comment...
we were reading through the general prolouge, where all the characters are introduced, and there was this one character, the oxford student. He was a scholar by profession. All he did was study and study, never really left college. Just kept learning and bettering himself. And he was old and stuff and had been doing this for a while. And was going to do it for a longer while stiff.

Now after reading the summary of him, the teacher, mrs jd (good person) says 'thats what johan is going to be when he grows up'. woa. Now its completely true. If there was a position in modern society for a philosopher or scholar, it would be me in a second. But there isn't. It doesn't feed the kids. But it's weird, because I've never made that will really known. I might have on the side..but it was weird that someone else said it. Hey, I was about to...

And so now I got into thinking about philosophy, and the next best thing. R&D. I want to work at Bell Labs a thousand times more then I want to intern there. It is the end of the rainbow when it comes to scaling the ladder within scientific research. Unquestionably. Bar None. So ya... R&D is like philosophy becuase it's all about thinking up new perspectives. It's the engineer version of philosophy. I still wish I could do some social commentary and the likes on the side, so we'll see. But R&D is a good start. I'm there.

People have told me to fuck that, you don't even make that much money. I say FUCK YOU YOU CAPITALIST BASTARD. This is something I am gonna do for the rest of my life, so it damn well better be the most enjoyable thing out there. damn straight.

I am definately listening to "The Cat with Two Heads" by the Aquabats.
I am definately adding support for comment posting.

I am in massive need of a digital camera. As soon as all the NJRSF doe has rolled in, I'm shelling 260$ for the olympus d460-zoom. Damn good fo' the money. And I wanna get all photo-good. And I'll need it when I....

go hitchhiking. So I decided that since I can't drive, and I can't therefore contribute to a road trip cycle, and I'd just be a back seat jerkass, I can't road trip. So then the idea of greyhound struck me. And well, hitchhiking. Maybe not alone at the tender age of 16, but definately happening. Unless someone will drive me around... i mean is willing to do a road trip and by that I mean drive me around. hehe... And I'm talking under 5$ a day... frugality is key here. Any takers? I am gonna try to get people at ISEF, but that's just so late.. may. I need tentative plans now. dang nabit.

all this.. the journal...serves two purposes....
a) to serve as a means of venting. venting is good. It also lets people into my life, something I don't mind.
b) it's something I will have in 20 years to remember all the things and people who helped shape me. If I'm around in twenty years (knock on wood). I might even show my kids..scary, huh?

Internet Explorer is the worst EVER. from now on, I'm typing my entries in a text file before i post them. GOD DAMN, that sucked. I had like half an hour of stuff typed up, and now it's all lost, and I really don't feel like repeating it..here's the significantly shorntened version...because my arm is sore, from typing and from laX... arg...hard...core

Summer... I don't think I want to go to Europe and do the hitchhiker thing. I need to stay in the US..it's like the last time and stuff. I need to love my american friends. Leaving sucks. So ya, road trip. With no real destination. I need to work out place I can sleep. Here's the BEST part... While at ISEF, I will have a chance to score connections to people who I could stay at or chill with or who might come with me. That would be sick. I need someone else to drive, at least before July 17th. Arggg... damn youngeness..sucks..

So, speaking of ISEF, i have devised the best plan ever. While at ISEF, work my mojo on the bell labs guys, like ken lyons, for a senior internship at Bell Labs/Lucent. FUCK YA. If you're at bell labs when you're 17, there really isn't much left in life. You're done.

Scientific Research, check. NEXT.

Mr Sayegh WAS saying that he would pay for my college education to become a lawyer. That would be neat... =-p. It'll be a cold day in hell when that happens. I get so much joy and pissing the pants off that guy..

I'm doing a pretty good job of remembering everything I said last time. score. O ya, I registered a livejournal account. I gave in. I'm using it just to post comments, and if I'm cool enought, recieve 'friends only' posts. weeerd.

www.livejournal.com/users/thatswedishkid/. My profile is neat too. I describe this here site as...

---
So ya, go there to read all about my thoughts. It's exactly what I am thinking and may strike some people as grade-A looney bin material, but hey, that's just me, that's who I am =-)

Recently, at least, I've been all about being free from opinion. You might think i'm a poseur or flamer. Good for you. I am happy with who I am, and this is how I chose to run my life. SO BACK OFF.

ok, star wipe back to a picture of a cute little swedish kid.
---

Sorry for the simpsons line at the end. It's funny. Laugh.

I decide that I am not cutting my hair until _at least_ senior photos. I want to be hot. hot, hot hot.
OK, I really need to go to bed now. Just after I do the teenvoice work I've been delaying =-p

today was a good day
.I didn't even have to use my a.k.
at least I didn't get my heart broken anyway
wasting time in east new jersey.
guess I could tell you 'bout
the snow covered rooftops,
sunsets, shooting stars and picturesque backdrops.
or how I went and hung out at quick-stop
and pretended that I was in clerks.
sometimes you gotta stop and remember
that your not gonna live forever.
be young, think smart, stay true
and just follow your heart.
remember the times we watched "karate kid"
and memorized every line
skipped school and went to the arcade
hung out and played galaga all day.
stole a car and we drove to michigan.
600 miles with no destination.
except to get in the car and drive
and see where we'll end up.
sometimes you gotta stop and remember.
that your not gonna be young forever.
think smart, have fun, stay true
and don't ever grow up.
out of all I've learned in life
you always keep your friends close to your heart.
'cause who will help you if you're falling down.
and everything is o.k.
~THE ATARIS

be young, think smart, stay true.

I think I might take a year off from school before I go to sweden for college. Just cruise around in a car stopping in at everyone's college..sort of a last good-bye. Because then I'm off. I'm no longer an nj youth punker. It's gonna be over. I'll be swedish. I'll be a university boy. It'll be over. I'll turn to my science research, forget my background, where i come from. Forget Jen , forget the little one's like Erica Miller, forget Evan , forget Amy, and Liz.

I don't want to. Good god. I'm typing with my eyes shut. This sucks. Here I am on the eve of the last trimester of juniour year, and it feels like I've just made my friends in high school. For the love of god, what about magenhiem and eric o'conner and ramirez. I love every single one of them.

Fuck. I'm going super depressive right now. This sucks. I don't want to leave this life I have here. Maybe I am American? Maybe I won't fit in in Sweden? I don't know what to think... There's only three month's left till summer. I don't want to go to eupore with my brother. That's how I'll be spending the rest of my life. I want to take a road trip. i want to be young. I want to do it with Kev, i wanna do it with Jen, fuck I'm going insane. I don't want leave anyone out. There's so much to get done before I go. Just a year. of which 2 months is summer. And 1 week is ISEF.

ISEF. That should kick booty. I might want to go to Berkeley for a year after all. I am the most confused boy around. FUCK.

What about Jordan? Will he just dissapear out of my life? FUCK, i need to get a camera and document EVERYONE... so I can keep a snapshot of them in my mind. I'm getting a digital camera..it's been decided. As soon as soom NJRSF moneys comes rolling in. There are so many people in this world that I share so much with. what about stephanie? It's the small ones that I'll forget. And grow old.

I don't want to grow old. I can do perfectly good enough research contributions from the ripe age of 16.... I'm gonna go think myself to sleep. What about people like Kev's mom? ooooo......

'johan...yea he dissapeared off to sweden.. never heard from him again'

and jane! I guess I just love to many people. Practically everyone listed here I love, as little as I know them. i guess you could say I wear my heart on my sleave, except for with relationships.

I need to make a people I don't want to forget list.

damn.. I can't let this happen.

I just couldn't not do a journal entry tonight. I just don't know. A lot of shit hit the fan.... I signed onto AIM at about 10 and talked to kev in the normal way it's been recently, with him calling my perfect and himself a failure. He's always been negative but it just sounds so super negative now a days. So first I told him about how I was all physced about San Jose..

nuttyswede: its settling in
xxxxxx: you are the man
xxxxxx: I really mean that.
nuttyswede: thanks man, you're an accomplishment yourself
xxxxxx: I wish.
nuttyswede: dude, I don't know a lot of people that could do what you do
xxxxxx: what do i do?
nuttyswede: the game of life isn't so much getting a good hand, but playing a bad hand well
nuttyswede: that's what your good at
nuttyswede: life
xxxxxx: i guess
nuttyswede: well you are. You've managed with stuff that scares the shit out of me. You're a strong person, a good player in the game of life
xxxxxx: no i'm not
xxxxxx: i'm sorry i am actually in a good mood
nuttyswede: but you can't admit it, because you're too modest. that's why you're such a good guy.. =-)
xxxxxx: thank you Johan

That's just the kev I have to learn to accept. So then we start talking about my lacrosse...

nuttyswede: yea, i gotta worry about my stick skillz thou
nuttyswede: i suck at that
xxxxxx: no you don't
nuttyswede: i do
xxxxxx: no you don't
nuttyswede: thats why im jv
xxxxxx: i guess
nuttyswede: =-)
xxxxxx: But you don't suck you are too cool
nuttyswede: haha, i wish
nuttyswede: i suck at drawing
nuttyswede: i suck at lacrosse
xxxxxx: Why did you say that/
nuttyswede: suck at baseball
nuttyswede: suck at a lot of those things
xxxxxx: don't say that.
nuttyswede: because they are things that i suck at
xxxxxx: You only suck because you think that you do.
nuttyswede: ok..i think i suck at baseball
xxxxxx: well i was talking to Mark Maguire and he says that you don't.
nuttyswede: hahahahah... thanks for making my day =-)
nuttyswede: what else did he say?
xxxxxx: that he likes pistachios.

that's why i love kev. Stephanie was amazing tonight. She let me vent out a lot of shit. I guess it was mutual, because as much as I thanked her, it felt good to be thanked in return. We talked about cancer, and how it sucks. It really sucks. Really really sucks. To the point that the english language sucks for not making a word good enough to summarize it. I think our conversation was summed up when I said...

wow....i'm amazed at how people can manage to cope with things that rip me apart when i'm only remotely exposed to them. In a family life sense i'm so fortunate [i guess] . . but it makes it almost worse to have to hear people's plights. I would trade everyone that have if just two people like kevins mom could die happy of old age. I guess i'm doomed to throw my heart at everything, when i could just take my life and go to college and forget the world, but i can't. that's just who I am.

it's true. in a heartbeat, if not less. It makes me wish I were religious so I could blame a fat guy up above. But I can't, and I won't, that's just me.

Then I started venting about my Fra-X predicament...Summation..the cards you learn to handle just make you a better poker player... i guess. Very in accordance with the Welcome to Holland poem that is soo appropriate.

Why does it always happen to such good people? The world is a fucked up place, that I am doomed in fate to care about. This totally negates all my previous thoughts on being anarchist, based on the belief that judgement is not something apporpriate in a society. I still believe that, but I also believe that Everyone should help everyone. But then again, I think way too much. I'm nothing more than a lost teen-age soul with a ringing in his ear from too little sleep.

Speaking of little sleep, I only got 10 hours acrosss 96 during the science fair. So yea, I'm tired. Good night. All this mind-fuckage is gonna make me sleep good tonight.

Yes, I'm a winner. Check out the NJRSF awards list to see what I mean.. =-) I get to go to San Jose, too.

I'm a winner.

OK, so I'm down 25%, and the NASDAQ is down over 50...I'm doing good, right? RIGHT?

I hate Yahoo Finance. If it wasn't for their quotes, I would be a much calmer [but still poor] man.

When I threw the names for this journal page up in the air, i was being all philosophical and emo. I tried to give it a deep ring to it. But now it just turns out that, just by looking at the page, all I talk about is peniss. I am a horrible person.

Well, it's true, throughts do manage to slip out and make it to the page, but they are few and far between. Maybe some time soon. Some people could say I failed at fulfulling my goal, but I see it as suceeding in failure. w00t.

So ya, my electronic resaerch project is causing me to get NO SLEEP WHAT SO EVER EVER EVER. I may post on sunday, with a post title something like, 'we now return to our regular broadcasting'. I suck. The whole I suck thing is bad. Bad bad bad. When I see it I think of kevin. Man is he having rough time's now. His girlfriend just broke up with him. I was talking to him online as it was happening. Ouch. And on top of what he is already going through, geez.

Over 1000 Terms for Male Masturbation - Possibly the greatest list ever.

'Liquidate Inventory'
'Withdraw from the spank bank'
'Shake hands with the one eyed milk man'
'Go down to the zipper mart to pick up a pound of pork'
'Squeeze a few rounds off on the pump action shotgun'
'Unsheathe the meat sword'

or how about

'Vote Republican' ?

ok, you get the idea. It was funny while it lasted. Now back to work, me's a slacker.

The problem with snow days.
Snow Days suck.

The school adds on days at the end of the year, ensuring that the same amount of days is attended by students, but they neglect to shoot back deadlines a day, and if a monday is missed, then assingnments are still expected on the tuesday.

Explanation. I was supposed to hand in my final draft of my revolutionary war essay today. On thursday, I got back my draft from my history teacher, and handed it to my english teacher. On friday she tells me that she lost it, and I gave her a new one, that I was going to get monday.

So now I am sitting here with no correctiosn to go by, and a paper that is probobly expected to be finished tomorrow. Retarded. I'm handing it in on Thursday, because I am handing it in a stagnant amount of days from the end of the year. Screw them I say.

In other news, I've been slaving like woa over MyDAS. My Data Acquisition Server. w00t! kool name.

holy shit! www.nurseryphotos.com is scary. It has yours, and everyone's birth picture on archive from when you were in the hospital. SCARY. It had mine. try it out.

In other news I might be going sXe....straightedge. It just seems like the thing to do. Not like militant straightedge, i'll still drink things that I think taste good, like a margarita when I'm in Costa Rica, but getting plastered just feels dumb. Maybe when I get older, and I'm aloud to drink, and I can try all the stuff that tastes good, I'll understand.