jackie is my new emo girlfriend.

Crap. Come on. Just as I find someone in cyberspace who I can related to, he steps down. Jack Saturn just crosses me as an amazing guy, and it's a shame that I didn't get the chance to learn from him. Maybe in a year and half when I attend berkeley.

Damn. So now it's Berkeley. Sweden? berkeley. Or?

I can't decide what to do with my life. I'm caught in the infamous trap of 'what after high school', and I feel as lost as anyone else. Well here's my explanation of why I now want to go to Berkeley. Now don't get me wrong, I've never said no to Berkeley, and it's long been the only college in the US which I've wanted to apply to. Why Berkeley? Because it is the epicenter of activity. At least it was in the sixties, but I'd like to believe that it is still a center for different thought. OK, so there's rebels, woopdee, why not MIT? Becuase Berkeley is so diverse. They have such a well rounded student body, with one of the best engineering schools in the country as well. The duality of it all is irresistable. Mmmm.

I guess I want to find a humanitarian life partner. A girl that has the whole arts thing going for her. As much as I love that, I still kick the pants off of math and physics. Cryptography or anything with the word quantum in it. Mmm. But I still find the peak of my day to be during literature debates. They pick at my brain in a whole different way. In physics, I can sit there and be blown away at the beauty of a theorem, but I don't feel the sparks flying in the same way.

Example.
In math I was slaughtering this massive review of mastery questions on differentiating and integrating, an all encompassing review if you will. Power rule, chain rule, l'hopital, natural logs, fundamental theorem, and company all rolled into 90 killer questions. I spanking the pants off of em. They were all so beautiful, with things canceling in the most abstract of ways. Problems would go from short little sweet things, and then the work would explode outward, filling half a line, and then the answer would be x. Marvelous. I kicked its ass. I rule.

But then in English, when discusing Grendel, I'll have revelations about the solitary perspective, and how the author isolates you with the creature to feel his pain. Once accustomed to his kin, you see how 'if you prick him, does he not bleed?'. But then the dragon's spell forbids human steel to peirce his hide. And thus their bond is broken. They are destined to be foreign to each other. Mind blowing huh? I made a big controbution to class, and sat there feeling good about myself.

Summation? Well in English I was contributing, something that I get a huge kick out of, and in the process I get to share. I'm venturing into the undiscovered. I'm becoming a philosopher. As an Math student, I'm just moving numbers around. Sure, it's great and rewarding, but it's an inner reward. Perhaps I haven't had enough exposure to real life applications where interaction is common. But even as an Engineer or Physicist, I gather data, or test scenarios. It works? Good. Grand. Wonderful. Great. Joe can now enter the facility, the particles have decayed to a sub-lethal level.

So I saved Joe's life. But I didn't change Joe's life. See the difference?

So why a wife that's like that? Because when I find someone who I love, I want to change their life, not save it. And that happens on the humanitarian level.

Bam.

I am never going to get my english journal done. Not even with Spark Notes. It's a good thing that the word on the street is that she doesn't collect 'em, and they're not due till later. So now I just need to scrub together whatever I can until 12, then I start french. Whatever I have done at 12 is done. Maybe. Yes, it is. I'll just put blank pages after that, and staple em together so they look like a bunch of pages, with just writing on like the first two or three pages. I'm that damn good.

You know what would SUCK? If Mrs. J-D read this. Hot damn, it would be the end. But then again, I deserve to get caught, because I suck.

O please, o please.

I got email from jack saturn. damn.

johan,

"his emoness"? what's up with that?
being labelled as such makes me
cringe just a little bit. =P

take care,
--jack--


my response?

o man ... jack saturn....i'm humble

[checks outbox to make sure he didn't accidentally send a mail to jack late last night while half-asleep]

Wow. How did you find my page? It's linked just about nowhere. Checking the pyra database for saturn.org links?

i'm sorry if i offended, i meant it as a good thing. Right now I'm in the transition between punk rock and emo that i see you recently went through, and I found your page and it just knocked the socks off me. Emoness is a compliment, i guess, at least I meant it in a humble manner. I'm sorry if I offended. When I found your page, and saw your room and hair and style and trains of thought, i found the humanitarian I always wanted to be, minus the fact that I can't play the guitar. I love music. My powerbook g3 is filled with 11 gig's of mp3s. And I wish I lived alone in a small apartment (persay, I have no clue what your quarters are like, but I wish, i wish), and I wish I had a digital camera to take picture of myself. I wish I could be that emo. And when I start talking about it like that, I can see where it seems to be mean. sorry. But the truth is I wish I could be as true to the world as you are. I'm in the process of finding that state of life, and I admire that you've achieved it. I've never been able to wear my heart on my sleeve, i fear the pain.

But then again, I have nothing to fear but fear itself. =-p
getting there.

And I wish I could love music as much as you do. It does wonders for me, but I can't say that I'm as enveloped as you are. Again, I admire that. Check out midtown (www.midtown2000.com) for some quality NJ-emo.

Also, where do I go to get my page into circulation?

so ya, that's what's up with that. Emoness is a state where you are true to yourself and the world. Good job.

/johan


I'll update when I get a response....

woo. A redesign will certainly wear the shit our of you. But I feel the site is that much better. I'll admit. I was inspired by Jack Saturn's. His emo-ness floored me. And when I found that quote that i praised below, i was inspired to reinvent. I dropped the whole mad getup. gone now. I certainly think it looks sweet. Eventually I'd like to put a picture to the right, but first I need a camera, and then pictures. I want to explore photogaphy. Why the fuck do I want to be physics engineer? Because I kick that shit's ass. But is that what I want to do?

I dunno. I get the same kick out of redesigning a page like this now as I do recompiling a kernel. Call me a physco, that's what entertains me. Well, an immediate order of afair is to get a girl. I need a girl bad. Emo boys need emo girls. I haven't had a relationship in ages. I feel like stevo, confused. Where's Brandy?

I admire Noah Grey for withdrawing from the bloggies. I'd like to think I would too.

Damn health poster. damn.

www.gwbush.com

featuring quality slogans such as:

Don't Blame Me, I voted with the majority
Hail to the THEIF
BUSH: How dumb is too dumb?

"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of the site, and this guy is just a garbage man."
-Bush, commenting on the website www.gwbush.com

o man.

I don't wanna be your kind of famous

Good line...good line.

thanks to saturn.org.

Well I learned how not to dumpster dive last night, the hard way.

Don't park in a parking lot to go through all your score.

Shit.

PIKACHU SELF-ELECTROCUTED
-------------------------
(OSAKA) Pikachu, the yellow electrified Pokémon, short-circuited himself to death yesterday, the hottest day of the year.

His Himan owner, Ash, was using him in between Pokémon battles to simultaneously run a TV-VCR, stereo system, computer, microwave, air conditioner, curling iron, waffle maker, vacuum cleaner and George Foreman's Lean Mean Grilling Machine.

"Ash didn't even have his Pikachu hooked up to a surge protector," said Professor Oak at the Pokémon Academy. "I only hope the foolish boy learned a valuable lesson from this."

Pikachu had spent his entire life saying nothing but the word "Pikachu," but eyewitnesses noted that the blackened, twitching Pokémon had additional last words.

Reportedly, the dying Pikachu extended a smoldering yellow fist to the skies and wimpered, "Pikachu, Pikachu? Pika...OK SWEET GOD WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE SUCH PAIN NNNGAAAA KILL ME KILL ME IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME. Pikachu."

Ash was immediately issued a replacement Pikachu, which he already loves as much as the original.

-------------------------

God Bless MAD.

The Story of Leon:

One of my college profs, Leon , is the person who probably taught me the most about CS of anyone.

When I was a freshman I had a major leap on everybody else because I already knew Pascal. (Yes, folks, back in those dark days, that was the language of academic computer science.) I had all the programming coursework done in the first week of class, and all the homework done shortly thereafter.

My first exam, then, I was deeply surprised to see that he docked me three times as many points as the next fellow for a specific programming question, even though our answers were absolutely identical. I was angry and asked him why I was docked more severely--and, for that matter, why I was docked at all.

"Well," Leon said, "you declared this as a global variable, not a local--" I interrupted him at that point and made some rash statement about how Joe over there did the exact same thing and Leon docked him hardly anything at all.

Leon's answer? "I judged you more harshly because you know better than he does."

I walked away from that exam with just a burning rage at how my A was getting eviscerated down to a B+ unfairly. I couldn't drop the course without screwing up my entire degree plan, though, and I couldn't get into a different section, so I was stuck with that petty tyrant, Leon.

Once I realized I was stuck, I went back to all the code I'd hammered out in the first week and removed every single global variable from it. It was bad enough that I got nailed once, but I'd be damned before I'd be nailed twice.

Every time homework came back to us I'd find myself judged more harshly than other students; I'd have points docked off for things other students were able to get away with altogether, or I'd get docked for using the algorithm he supplied instead of researching a better, more oprimal algo, or what-have-you. My ire kept on going up with every returned homework assignment, every exam, every pop quiz.

And after each and every one of these deaths-by-a-thousand-cuts, I went back to my code and fixed it. I went back to my homework file (remember how I did all the homework the first two weeks?) and amended my answers.

By the end of CS 101, my grade had fallen from the A I was Anticipating to a C I was Chagrined at. It especially boiled my noodles that I was head and shoulders the best programmer in that class, and I was getting one of the lowest grades in the class.

When the course was over and I was waiting for final grades, I was dead certain I was going to be filing a complaint with the Administration. I finally got my grade, tore it open, and lo and behold... 100, A. The registrar sent me a note in campus mail congratulating me on the "rare feat" of passing a course without missing a single point. Parents were happy, friends were happy, I was ... confused.

I stopped by Leon's office and asked him what was up with the schizophrenic grading. He explained there was nothing schizophrenic about it. "But I had a C," I said. "How did I get an A?"

Leon patiently explained to me a grade is meant to show how well a student has learned the subject he's been taught. "Right," I said, "and my grades were lousy. You kept on nickel-and-diming me everywhere, on stuff that wasn't even important."

No, Leon told me. He was teaching everyone else in the class how to program, and that's what the tests measured. Sure, I was flubbing those tests, but those tests were irrelevant because he wasn't teaching me how to program. Instead, he was teaching me was how to program well, and he measured that on an entirely different scale.

My senior year I had to write a thesis. I chose cryptography as my topic and requested Leon for my advisor. The day before graduation, Leon and I sat down in his office and discussed what the last grade of my last year was going to be. He was complimentary about my work and said that, between the thesis and the research I'd been doing connected with it, I undoubtedly deserved an A, if not an A+, for my efforts. "But I'm only going to give you an A-," he said with a grin. "As a reminder to you that there's always more."

That's the most important CompSci lesson I've ever learned.

Thanks, Leon. I owe you.

---

Now that's why I read slashdot. WOW. Makes ya wanna be a teacher doesn't it? They always get to take the hardest hitting punches. I wish I may I wish I might...

It's all about the legacy..the impact, that you make and leave.

If the stuff I did for electronic research doesn't turn out to do anything I will be really pissed off. Sorry to be so vague. It's just to annoying to explain. But it will be cool, so it doesn't really matter. hehehe...you'll see.

i miss jen. crazy jen. We have a three hour assembly tomorrow. If Jen was there, things would go so much more fun-er. =-)

If your reading this, mail me.

It's a shame you don't have access to dev.teenvoice.com, it's dead sexy..dead sexy.

I feel asleep last night before I started my research paper cards. damn. I finished 'em in class. I am so fucking sexy..fucking sexy. =)

Shit to do, shit to do.
Shit to do, so FUCK you.

Not really, I'm procrastinating.

Erik is Jesus.

look for www.turnuptherock.com, coming soon from a bunch of hooligans.

I went skiing this weekend, in order to honor Dr. King. Good man. It's a pity that there aren't more people like him whose existance has changed the lives of so many school children. A 3 day weekend. Bless him. I was going to write god bless him, but then someone might read into that weirdly, since I'm agnostic and all...long story, it will unfold eventually.

Anyway, egotism aside, good man.

I hit the biggest jump(s) in my life this weekend. I felt like I was landing a plane, that's how much air I was catching. It was amazing. I had at least ...I'll be modest and say 50 feet of distance. Go Okemo! Those hits are _huge_!! Never mind, I can't put it into words... werds. werd.

So I was gonna read People's History this weekend, but individuals of the feminine persuasion are to blame for my not reading...

Well, I got the best masssage in the history of the world. ever. EVER. that's that. Case closed. Damn, I really need to see that girl again...and again...and again. Mmm...

. . .

The final irony? Justice is blind. And thus ends my god damn english questions. Now I just(ice) have to write the essay. Well I have a thesis statement, that's a start, right? Better to sleep now, work tomorrow...arg arg arg..I have a history test tomorrow. I have a french test on friday. And I don't even KNOW if I have an anatomy and physiology test. GOD DAMN. I need to just kick it back and chill. A whole lot. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I forgot to do teenvoice...ehhhh...I have to whip up some bullshit right now... yea. werd.

I'm tooo fucking stressed.

It took 30 years to declassify the Death of Che Guevara...

how about that...

I've been mad busy, but I've setup nutt.2y.net (my in-house server...servix) as a web server, and more importantly, if you know me, contact me, cus my mp3's are now up @ nutt.2y.net/mp3... log/password required... hehe. =-p

Soon I'll have my electronic's research project working to a good extent. thank god..heh. Busy busy busy...

damn...I wrote about the mp3 section already..I'm getting altzhiemers...woops. O well, I aded a bunch of stuff, so there!!!

Erik's house was fun on saturday, I had a really chill time with Brittany...the whole aura was really chill. I felt bad about ignoring (who, me?) Alicia. I really don't want her. I'm sorry. That's just what the captain down below is telling me. Plus, she's done, I'd rather get something fresh. Brit said she could hook me up with some dutch girl from her town...Jen. I'm intrigued. Never met a dutch girl before, don't know if they're hot or not...

o well, 'nuf rambling. I've got to do my second history paper, then I was gonna tackle english...It's sunday night. Did you ACTUALLY expect me to do work before now? haha...

"The problem with somebody giving you shit about being gay, it's not that they're wrong about you, it's that they're giving you shit."
~ Eddie, SLC Punk

Well I told my self I'd be mad updating during the holidays. That idea got shot to hell. Now I'm sitting here with a weekend infront of me, and the following order of duties.

2 History Reaction Papers
1 English Thesis Statement development + Essay
5 Reading Reaction Questions (1 page each)
Learn the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus
Learn ... Chemistry
Learn about minimal apache installs.

I just got nutt.2y.net working. More notably, nutt.2y.net.mp3... mmmm..p3.