I'm trying to write a college app essay about life with Olof. I'm too fragile. All I can do is sit here and read something my mother picked up a long long time ago. Read this and sigh. Life. Oof.

" I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability -- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this.... When your going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says " Welcome to Holland!" "HOLLAND?!?!", you say, "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met. It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills ; Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of you life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away because the loss of a dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, You may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland. "

I'm sorry I haven't written in a week, I've been busy I guess, preoccupied. My priorities have been overwhelmed.

My arrival was pleasent, but then I had to learn to drive in 2 days time, which I succeeded in, and since then I have been busy reading Orwell, Boye, Thoreau and Bellamy. I've also got my montage for english done.

I feel no urge to express my opinion right now, and Thoreau might thus consider this post worthless (wow are his essays amazing).. ah! opinion.

Very well, I have to shower and the likes.

Some of you may know him as the kid who knows 'too much' about politics, others might recognize him as the guy in the breezeway who won't shutup about Kissinger, but most should be able to recognize him as Dan Koffler. (Dan, no harm meant) I wrote Dan an Instant Message the other day just before i signed off, it was spontaneous act, I wrote "che lives", and then I signed off. I had been overrun by a sudden urge to test the world. All over Europe, on t-shirts in Munich, Germany and Zermatt, Switzerland (of all places...Switzerland, and most of all Zermatt, is money money money), as Graffiti in Vienna, Austria, and again on a Poster in Paris, the image of Che Guevara has followed me. In Paris it was part of a poster that advertised an exhibit at a museum that followed the icons of revolution through history. Only 30 years dead (it has been shown that he was killed by forces receiving aid from the US CIA) and he's made such a global impact. At a show at CBGBs in the NYC there was a guy with camouflage print pants and a similarly colored jacket that had a one foot by one foot sew on patch that said "che lives!" under the familiar silhouette.

After all this, maybe Che does live. In the minds of those who have chosen to follow him. As Orwell wrote through the preachings of O'Brien, reality is in the mind, and if Che can be made to live in the minds, then what significance does his death have? He lives just as much as Big Brother or Emmanuel Goldstien does. All this is something that has occupied my thought a great deal, and I thought I would instigate a response (at a later date) from everyone's favorite Dan. The first line of his response by email follows:

"Che lives forever!"

So true.

Now we all know Dan would never write an email that could be printed in less then 2 pages, so what followed was a very elaborate sumation of the state of Marxism. Something that caught my eye that needs a response was this:

"I do think that you're heading in the right direction. If you're serious
about studying Marxism, there are several writers that need to be on your
reading list. I can forward you some stuff if need be. You also probably
don't yet recognize it, but by reading Marx this early, you've become
innoculated to the Hobbes-derived illusions of the "libertarian" right. Those
exercises in groupthink, while (badly) using the vernacular of philosophy,
are just so many cults with slick websites. They are marketed to the young
and white and sheltered for reasons I think I can guess."

Let me begin by revealing the roots of my interest in Socialist philosophy. As the brother of a mentally handicaped 23 year old, for the two years since the state of New Jersey was no longer required to educate him I have witnessed the one of the most apparent lackings of capitalism, it's inability to put people to work. My brother can spend 10 minutes working out a math problem such as 12 x 10, and he hasn't grasped the plot of any book more advanced then "Journey to the center of the Earth", but he happens to be the most organized, detail-oriented person I know, handicapped or not. It's something that follows with his disorder (a genetic disorder, fragile-X syndrome), at the age of six he tested at a 12 year old level with those things from the newspaper where there are two pictures next to each other and the paper asks "can you find the six differences?" He noticed that the heal of a ladies high heal was missing in one of the two pictures of a crowd. Yea, he's good. He would be (indeed, he was) wonderful as a mailman sorting people mail. Or any kind of sorting. He worked for 6 months at Sony in their mail room during the period of post-high school 'job' education that the state gave him. Unfortunately Sony couldn't employ him because of a hire freeze. And so for two years I have witnessed the inability of the DDD (Department of Developmental Disabilities) to find him a job. For two years, the most organized person I know can't be found a job. They send him Social Security checks, but they don't give a crap that the money is just going to a person who sits and watches television all day. My brother is sick and tired of being sick and tired. (there's a woman's suffragist quote for you.) He hates the boredom, and would do anything to get a job. Sometimes he won't leave the house because the DDD is supposed to call sometime this week and he doesn't want to miss the call.

Now perhaps it's ignorance, but I'm convinced that the Swedish system would find him a job. Every contact my mother has made in Sweden has been leaps and bounds more helpful then anything her hour-long waits in phone queue's with the DDD has accomplished. In a year, I will be graduated, and Olof, my brother, along with my parents will begin moving over to Sweden. For us, for Olof, there's hope there.

What frightens me most about all this is the people like Olof who don't have a mother like mine. My mother has bled her heart out to get Olof what he does have. The school system didn't want to educate him until 21. My mom fought. The number of streams and the waterfalls my mother has swum up is innumerable. My heart goes out to her when I think of how hard she has worked toward Olof's cause. One of these days I am going to give both my mother and father a vacation from Olof, something they have never had. For 23 years my mother has never been without Olof for more then a week at a time. 23 years. She deserves a 'vacation'. And think of all the Olof's that don't have a mother. What kind of conditions are they living in? I've met a lot of them through Special Olympics. Some of the sights give me emotions that are hard to control. There are people all of over America that are living a life of solidarity without a job, with only social security checks to pay the bills.

It's like they say in my new favorite movie Tillsammans (Together) which I reviewed earler: "I'd rather eat oatmeal together then lobster alone."

The truth there is unbelievable. There is no economic situation that can outway the necessity of occupation and interaction. And in America the waiting lists to get into group homes is more then 5 years.

And so, under the strong belief that comrodray is more important then capital, I wish to find what it is I seek, something that I can say I ally myself with which shares my beliefs. And so now it is a complete education I seek. I don't
call myself a Marxist. Again I bring forth my new favorite movie Tillsammans (Together), where a little girl draws the very accurate conclusion that all the adults around her are simply doing the opposite of what is considered acceptable. One female claims to lesbian, another man gay. Some are vegetarian. They all seem to be doing everything for the wrong reasons, and in the movie this has consequences on the well being of the commune.

I am well aware of the 'Communist', 'Socialist', and 'Anarchist' 'revolutionary' cults out there, just as well as I am aware of their dominantly male and white following. I believe I described the debate with just such a person held at a party I was at back in June. The individual was a textbook example of why not to believe in communism. He embodied the exact 'doing it be a rebel' incentive that I described above. Additionally, there is an excellent entry in a Swedish book I picked up while waiting at the train station in Gothenburg, Sweden, that had been published by the online forum sourze.se, a swedish debate forum. It was a collection of the most heated debates from the past 3 months published as a book. It was about a socialst movement called ATTAC that a guy had found,and hoping he had discovered a true proletarian movement, he went to a meeting in Stockholm, only to find the typical 'down with the system' and 'legalize hash' speakers. Sad, really sad.

And so Dan, I seek an education. That's why Marx is on my to-read list. The only -ist that I consider myself right now is a pacifist, sprouting from my current admiration of the life of Gandhi, a life that I also wish to read about, but I see value in chronology, and that is why I wish to begin with Marx (actually, I would like to give Thoreau's Civil Disobedience a re-read first). And so that is what I seek, an education in Marx and Marxism that will give me insight into the meaning of modern socialist texts. It seems to be the basis for so much out there.

Eventually I wish to tackle this book: Social and Political Philosophy: Readings from Plato to Gandhi, but that is far down the road. There is so much to read first... I honestly think that it would be a waste of money for me to go to college next year with all the literature that I would willingly like to read, pulling a Good Will Hunting for a year. There are so many reasons...and everyone I know is telling me to differ for a year. I see it happening...

So yes Dan, I welcome all texts you can recomend to me, as it is precisely that which I seek. Anything educational at all that you recommend me I will consider adding to the growing list of books to be taken care of.

In response to your explanation of the truths of Orwell's writings, having finished off Zinn's A People's History of the United States (READ THIS BOOK), I can't help but draw parallel's between the cold war and even the post-cold war military spendings of Reagen-Bush and Oceania. The figures which Zinn quotes are remarkable, though I haven't the energy to dig them up know. Dan must know this, but for the rest of you, the United States budget spending can be summarized in only a couple actions, namely the cutting of $100 million from the education budget which denied poor school children free meals, while somehow finding room for several billion dollars to be spent on central american intervention in the name of the democracy, where more often then not America was backing a dictatorship simply because they co-operated with the needs of the American people, even though they repressed the poeple of their own nation.

Call it digging holes and filling them up again, because that's exactly what it is. Current day America, with it's war on drugs (pick up the book Drug Crazy for a good review of that) is throwing away billions of dollars (don't get me started on star wars) that could save hundreds of lives in the form of aid programs. It's sickening to see how the Republicans have been able to silently pass of a defense budget that is only 10 or so percent less then what it was during the peak of the cold war. Get rid of the defense budget!

Arms are for hugging! This is where I and Che differ, as I do not agree with his militant tactics. That is where I side with Gandhi, 100%. It is Che's power amoungst the masses that I admire.

And then there's the US demands for human rights while America continues to use the death penalty on a daily basis, even going as far as to publish the prisoner's last meal requests on the internet.

Something is rotten in the State of Texas.

OK, I'm flying home tomorrow morning, so I'm gonna get out and enjoy the last of this beautiful Swedish land. For those of you who actually read that whole post, congratulations. You made it.

Erik, here is my invitation to you. I think I found a plan of action for the 2003-2004 academic (the word has never been more appropriate) year.

OK, so I've thought a lot about the "In Search of American Culture" documentary idea...as I'm writing this I'm listening to "America" by Simon and Garfunkel...so fitting. Here is what I want to do. In 10 months time I want to set out in a VW bus (wht a car stereo) with a video camera (and lots of cassettes and batteries, plus a car charger adapter), a pile of books (all that good stuff that I've always wanted to read. It'll have to last a year), a magnum marker (for labeling the cassettes and making hitchhicker signs incase the car breaks down), clothes (five white t-shirts, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, and a hoodie), a sleeping bag, a journal (with some pens), and some eating utensils (a portable stove would be nice). OK, that's the supplies.

The plan. On weekends, perform street shows in big cities....or whatever big city we're near on a weekend. On weekends people don't work and they are out and shopping and drinking coffee. Do crazy tourist grabbing stuff. I've seen it all over europe, it works GRAND. Just little humor sketches where you use people from the street to do spontaneous stuff. You gather a crowd real quick in touristy places, and you just gotta be aggressive with the money box afterwords. Yes, added note, this part of the trip works better with a portable sounds system (car, perhaps?) that can be spoken out of. This is something I would have to train up, and yes it would be the only income, because on the weekdays... The weekdays would be spent getting out into...dare I say "america"? Finding the bus drivers and the gas station attendants and the auto repairmen and the ice cream men. Documenting hardcore. Then once the weekends comes you work your ass off for money to pay for the next week. There would be long stretches for reading and such. Mondays could be rest days. Some sightseeing of America could be done.

Food? Ravoili, yesterdays bread, that kinds of stuff. Multiviamins. Housing? The bus ...or... seeing as everyone else will be heading into college I am certain that there are people out there who will be landing spots all over the country where I can crash for a night (or 5). University towns also have audiances that are out on weekends (read: audiances to scrounge money off of.)

but yes, I definately want to be out for a year. I want to go up and down america. or forward and back. I want to cover all the lower 48 states. Perhaps it should be called "the 365 faces of america". It wouldn't be one a day, but it's a nice round number. (Im a jerk).

I would be asking all sorts of questions, I need the kind that will draw forth the life long experience from the person. I started re-reading 1984 yesterday and I basically want to do what Winston failed at with the old man. Well, not the same goal. I want to know what is worth it life. I want to keep the why's flowing.

I had an arguement with my grandma. She wouldn't give me a straight answer to questions about if she thought the swedish socialist system was doing a good job of taking care of her. She's 86 and has broken both hips, so she's on a walker and all the health related things are basically free. I wanted to know if it was worth paying all those taxes for all those years. I wanted to know if anything could have been done differently. She couldn't understand what I meant. She said she didn't want to talk politics, and that I should ask someone who was more informed. No! That is exactly the kind of information that needs to passed on, because some day, I will be old on a wheelchair and it's her damn obligation to society to say if something wrong, because I don't want to have to suffer the same problems because she couldn't tell me. Society is all about correcting itself. I want to know now so my vote is used to change those things for the right from the start.

I want to hear the realizations of those that have seen it all for the past fourty years. Hopefully that know what is the right thing. I want to find these rights. Root at falsity.

My arguement is falling apart in my head because it's 4 AM, and I need sleep. Bad. Alas, 1984 will probobly keep me up for another hour. Damn books, get too involving.

I never really liked engineering physics anyways. Viva le proliteriat!

and so the cow let out one final shreiking moo before colapsing into what would become the best tasting philly cheesesteak in the history of food. Of course, he didn't know that. They never tell you those things. It's for their own good they say. But you have to wonder why they have to scare them to death. Silly clowns.

Ok, so I am completely looney in the head. You have to excuse me, I just got home from 26 days of eating baguettes and ravioli. I am in rehab, I should recover soon enough to begin recollecting, though I'd rather leave that to personal accounts in the breezeway. Depends if I think I have time to scribe... I have kept a journal, but it's in Swedish, and I haven't updated it these last two weeks due to lack of time. I'm going to begin filling in the missing info into it before I write here, most likely.

Oh well, so it goes.